The Progeny Divergence
by Daedaleopsis
Summary: When Sheldon decides he and Amy might have children someday, he asks Penny, as his friend, to help him overcome his intimacy issues. But things get complicated.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own The Big Bang Theory, just some dvd's. If I did, "Shenny" would be real. And the only profit I get from writing fan fic is my own personal enjoyment.

Chapter 1

Knock, knock, knock. "Penny."

Knock, knock, knock. "Penny."

Knock, knock, knock. "Penny."

"Come in, Sheldon," Penny called tiredly as she set down her third glass—well, mug, actually, since all of her wine glasses were already dirty—of cheap Chablis. Sheldon entered her apartment and paused a few feet from the doorway. He observed her carefully, taking in her slightly flushed face and glassy-eyed mien.

"Perhaps it would be best if I were to return another time," he said, half turning toward the door which he had left standing open.

"You're already here, Sheldon. Just tell me what you want," Penny said wearily.

He turned back to face her with an indecipherable look. He then carefully closed the apartment door and took a few steps into the living area. "I-I require your assistance," he blurted out.

"Sweetie, if you need a ride, I don't think that's such a good idea right now," Penny said, frowning.

"No, I don't need a ride," Sheldon stated, followed by another long pause.

Penny got up from her perch on the kitchen stool, mug in hand, and plopped herself onto the sofa. "I think you'd better sit down and tell me what this is all about," she said, patting the chair which was Sheldon's habitual seat whenever he visited her apartment. He lowered himself a bit gingerly, folding his long limbs at precise angles.

"So what's put a bug in your britches, Moonpie?" Penny drawled, knowing she could goad him into some sort of reaction by using his Meemaw's pet name for him.

Sure enough, "Don't call me that. Only my Meemaw is allowed to call me that," Sheldon retorted half-heartedly. Penny waited patiently for him to begin, knowing that Sheldon could not resist the opportunity to talk about himself for long. He was outrageously egotistical, as all his friends knew, but Penny believed that his social development was stunted at the level of a preschooler, so in an odd way, his narcissism made sense to her.

"Penny, I have always considered my research into theoretical physics my gift to the world," Sheldon began. "It is my contribution to prevent the general degradation of society back to primitive Neanderthalistic idiocy. But it has recently been impressed upon me, by a certain Amy Farrah Fowler, that it would be a great tragedy to deprive the world of my superior intellectual progeny." He hesitated, glancing at Penny to gauge her reaction.

She raised an eyebrow. "In English, sweetie. What the hell are you talking about?"

"Descendants, offspring… children," he replied, annoyed that he had had to spell it out for her.

Penny was glad that she didn't have a mouthful of wine when Sheldon uttered the word "children", because she was certain that if she had, it would have been sprayed all over her coffee table. As it was, her jaw dropped open and she just stared at Sheldon, speechless for a moment.

"Children? _You_ want _children_?" she gasped.

"Well, if Darwin's theory of natural selection is to be believed, children are a biological imperative," he replied stiffly.

"A biological whatsit?" Penny asked, wondering if she had actually passed out and this was some bizarre, Chablis-fueled dream she was having.

"It means that if I am to pass along my intellectual genius to future generations, then having children of my own is, _ipso facto_, a necessity," Sheldon replied.

"So you want to have a child… with Amy?" Penny asked incredulously. Maybe she was hallucinating, she thought. She would sooner have believed that aliens would land on earth looking to take Sheldon back to his home planet than what she was hearing right now.

"The problem is—" Sheldon forged on, "—the problem is that Amy Farrah Fowler is only a few years shy of thirty; twenty-eight exactly, and to be frank, she's running out of time. It is a proven scientific fact that men are capable of procreating well into their sixth or seventh decade; however, the female reproductive system is viable for only a fraction of that time."

"So why are you telling all this to me?" Penny asked, feeling completely dumbfounded.

A tinge of pink stained Sheldon's cheeks and neck, and he looked down at his hands fidgeting on his lap. He said softly, "While there is no flaw in the logic that leads to my conclusion, and I infer that Amy would not be adverse to that shift in our relationship paradigm, I am having some difficulty with the practical implications of said conclusion." He turned wide, panic-stricken eyes to Penny. "While I do fully comprehend the mechanics of the act of procreation, I—I don't think I could actually bring myself to do it," he cried wildly, then dropped his gaze once more. He looked so distressed that Penny's heart went out to him.

"Sweetie, no one's going to make you do anything you don't want to," she said comfortingly, rubbing his arm. He flinched and then turned to stare at her.

"I am a man of science. I should not allow such ridiculous phobias to impede scientific progress."

Penny tried unsuccessfully to hide her smirk at realizing that Sheldon was assuming that any child of his would make some great contribution to science, but she also felt a deep compassion for her friend, whose fear of germs and invasion of his personal space crippled his ability to develop an intimate relationship. "Sheldon, don't you think this is something you and Amy need to work out together?" she asked gently.

"No!" he cried, jerking his head up once more. "No, Penny, I can't. Amy is—Amy is much too clinical. Her background in neurobiology would cause her to approach this as some kind of experiment. This is one instance in which your lack of education might actually be an asset."

Penny shot him a dirty look at that "lack of education" comment, but let it pass for the moment. "Sweetie, I'm not sure that there's anything I can do to help," she began. "I'm not a therapist or a counselor. Maybe you really need to go talk to a professional instead of just to a friend."

"My mother had me tested," he muttered, wrapping his long arms around his body tightly. "Penny, I underwent a rigorous period of psychiatric evaluation at the age of eight. I spent four weeks in a mental health facility, away from my home and family. I will never willingly submit to such treatment again."

For the second time that evening, Penny was shocked. She had heard him mention that his mother had once had him tested to see if he was insane, but she had no idea of the scarring it had left on the psyche of a frightened little boy. And she knew without a doubt that he _had _been scared, terrified even. She knew Sheldon often reverted to childish behavior, like throwing a temper tantrum when he didn't get his own way or exhibiting manic glee over comic books or trains. Now, his current stress had given her greater insight into the complex mind of Sheldon Cooper.

"What is it that you think I can do to help you?" she asked, feeling as though she would walk over hot coals to help heal her damaged friend.

He drew himself up straighter. "Well, you're an actress. I thought you might know some theatrical techniques that would help me to acclimate myself to the sensation of being touched," he replied.

Penny frowned thoughtfully. "I'm not sure any acting methods would apply here. I do have some ideas… but you would have to get Amy's permission before we start anything. I'd hate for her to find out the wrong way and think I was trying to put the moves on her boyfriend."

Sheldon considered her statement for a moment, and then nodded his head curtly. "Agreed." He abruptly stood, brushing invisible lint off the front of his trousers. "I will obtain Amy's consent before we begin any desensitizing regimen." He strode toward the door in a preoccupied manner, but before he left, he paused in the threshold with his hand on the door jamb. He looked back at Penny, still sitting on the sofa.

"Thank you, Penny. You really are my best friend," he said softly as he closed the door behind him. He added that last sentence under his breath. It wasn't something he was sure he wanted Penny to know, yet it was true nonetheless. Ever since the fateful Arctic expedition, Sheldon's opinion of his roommate had changed. Of course, he didn't mind practical jokes. He had been the perpetrator of some classic bazingas in the past. But for Leonard to sabotage his prestigious, grant-funded research and then to cause Sheldon to make a fool of himself to the academic community at large was a malfeasance that Sheldon could not forget. Forgive, yes, but not forget. So in Sheldon's mind, Leonard had been downgraded to a mere friend and roommate, one whom he could no longer fully trust.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Thanks to all of you who have left reviews. I'm happy to let you all know that this story is completely written, and just waiting for review from my beta before being posted.

Chapter 2

Sheldon had been experiencing a great deal of reluctance to bring up the previous night's discussion with Amy. While conversing over Skype, even Amy could see that he was more jittery than usual, so naturally she asked him bluntly what was wrong. As it turned out, Amy went into rapturous delight on hearing that he was considering allowing their relationship to become more physical. She gushed over his decision, using words like "torrid" and "loins" that had Sheldon wincing and feeling slightly nauseated. More than ever, he was repulsed by her bold, rapacious stare. He ended the conversation quickly, and as he closed his laptop, he couldn't stop himself from muttering, "Dear Lord, what fresh hell have I gotten myself into now?"

The following evening, Sheldon knocked his usual triple pattern on Penny's door. Having communicated Amy's assent to Penny via text message, he had received instructions to come to her place that night at 7 pm and to bring a DVD to watch. He had chosen the first season of _Star Trek: Deep Space Nine_. He hoped Penny would be drawn into the emotional and quasi-spiritual aspects of the story while he could lose himself in the fantasy of space exploration and alien worlds. He had brought the entire first season, of course. There was no need to remove the discs from the protective plastic packaging until it was absolutely necessary. After some reflection, he decided that it would be acceptable to leave the boxed set in Penny's apartment. After all, she never complained when he made her wear the cotton gloves to handle his comic books, so he supposed he could trust her with his beloved Star Trek discs as well.

Penny swung open the door after waiting for Sheldon to finish his knock. She was dressed in a floral hoodie, her usual tank top and fleece capris, and her blonde hair was piled on top of her head in a messy bun with strands sticking out at odd angles. He found her casual appearance strangely soothing.

"What up, Moonpie?" she grinned at him. He glared at her use of his Meemaw's pet name but restrained himself from commenting.

"May I come in?" he asked in his best attempt at a calm tone of voice. She stepped back, waving him inside.

Sheldon arranged his limbs precisely on Penny's sofa as she explained what she had in mind for her "desensitizing" program. First of all, Sheldon had complete control to stop the activity at any time he was feeling uncomfortable. Second, they would not be doing anything that could be construed as unfair to Amy's feelings or inappropriate to the relationship contract between Sheldon and his girl-slash-friend-slash-girlfriend. Sheldon found himself relaxing as he listened to Penny's terms. They were highly agreeable and very considerate of his quirks. He even found the corners of his mouth turning up slightly as he thought about all the ways in which Penny had changed her habits and inconvenienced herself to accommodate him in her life. She really was his best friend, he found himself musing again.

Their first "assignment" didn't seem that bad. Penny planned for them to watch a DVD while she sat next to him. The only way this would differ from many previous nights was that Penny would lean against him, or put her head on her shoulder. She also assured him that she had just taken a shower, as she did most nights after a long shift waitressing at the Cheesecake Factory. Sheldon contentedly set up the first disc of _Deep Space Nine_, and as the familiar strains of music sounded, Penny settled in next to him. She scooted over until her leg and shoulder were touching the same on him.

"How's this, sweetie?" she asked. He glanced at her, biting his lower lip. "Well, I certainly feel as though you are encroaching on my personal space, but I suppose it is tolerable," he replied.

"Good. Now watch your show." Penny said. She had seen the pilot before, so she divided her attention between the television and her posture, making sure she carefully controlled the physical contact between the two of them.

When the end credits were rolling, Penny asked Sheldon if he wanted to watch another episode. He was quick to agree. "But this time," Penny warned, "I'm going to put my head on your shoulder."

"All right," he agreed after a noticeable pause. She leaned a little closer and tilted her head until it was resting on Sheldon's bony shoulder. He tensed for a moment, trying to isolate the sensation that was causing him the most discomfort. After brushing away a few strands of her hair that tickled his neck, he felt more relaxed. Her head was a heavy weight on his shoulder, but he noticed that he could feel her warmth through both of his shirts. Her hair smelled like her green apple shampoo, with a subtler underlying scent like vanilla. After some reflection, he decided that it was actually rather nice. Amy, he recalled, had a sharp astringent odor to her hair from the coal tar dandruff shampoo she used.

After the second episode, Penny sat up and stretched luxuriously. They had been watching Star Trek for over two hours now, since the pilot was a two-parter. "Well, I think that's all the Star Trek I can handle for one night, Sheldon. What did you think of our first desensitization session?"

"It was neither as egregious nor as awkward as I had anticipated. Thank you, Penny," he replied dutifully.

Penny rolled her eyes at his back-handed compliment. "Goodnight, Moonpie," she whispered as he quietly let himself out of her apartment.

Over the next several nights, Penny kept the routine basically the same. Sheldon would come over for an hour or two on Monday and Thursday evenings after dinner, and they would watch DS9 together. Penny actually found herself enjoying the plot of the show, and she made a concerted effort to keep her apartment (well, her living room, at least) clean so her lanky friend would feel more comfortable. While they watched the show, Penny would put her head on his shoulder, or loop a hand through the crook of his arm. She tried having him give her a foot massage once, right after she had showered, but her ecstatic moans caused him to glare at her and complain that he couldn't hear the dialog.

"Well, sweetie, you're actually quite good at it," she replied. "You should try those moves out on Amy sometime. She may not be on her feet all day like I am, but I'm sure she would love it. Trust me, all women love foot massages." Penny then suggested that Sheldon could give her a back rub, and he accused her of leveraging his "desensitization" regime to her own advantage.

"Of course, I am, Moonpie," she replied airily with an evil grin, swiping the remote and changing the channel to _America's Next Top Model_. He scowled at her and made a grab for the remote. She dodged his grasp and dug her fingers lightly into his side, hoping he was ticklish. He let out a shriek of indignation, and then lunged over toward her end of the sofa, pinning her down with his body while he reached for the remote. She responded automatically with a familiar move, lifting a foot up over the backs of his legs to pull him in closer. She suddenly realized with a jolt that she was lying on her couch, with the length of Sheldon's body pressed against her, his hips pulled in close to hers, and his bright blue eyes boring into hers with an intense expression. Penny actually felt a throb of… interest, and she called his name in a strangled voice as the remote dropped suddenly from her hand. Sheldon scrambled to disentangle himself from her limbs as Penny wriggled out from underneath him. With a tug, he straightened his shirts and walked over to pick up the remote. There were two spots of color high in his cheeks as he did so. Wordlessly, he placed the remote on the coffee table and then turned and strode toward the door.

"Sheldon? Sheldon, wait!" Penny called, but he was already out the door, and she couldn't find the nerve to go after him.

Three glasses of wine later, Penny decided the best thing to do would be to call Bernadette. She had considered talking to Leonard only briefly. Not only was he a guy, and therefore clueless to emotional subtleties, but talking to him had been awkward ever since their "beta test" had failed. She pondered how on earth she had been so foolish as to get involved in the same dead-end relationship twice. But Leonard was a nice guy, really, apart from the fact that he had always treated her more like a trophy than a girlfriend, and that he was terribly insecure which made him terribly jealous, and he thought that anything another girl let him get away with couldn't possibly be cheating…

"No," Penny moaned, banging her head on the table. Thinking about Leonard while she was drunk could only end one of two ways: either she would go over and tell him exactly what she thought of him, or she would give him a "booty call", and he would assume that they were dating again. So, no more thoughts of Leonard. "Bad Penny," she scolded herself. Instead, she called her sweet and level-headed friend Bernadette. By that point, Penny was less than coherent, so Bernie decided to drive over and pour coffee down her blonde friend's throat until she could make sense. The only thing that Penny had managed to communicate clearly to Bernadette was that Amy was absolutely not to be involved.

Once Bernadette arrived, she bustled around the kitchen and soon presented Penny with a steaming mug of coffee. As Penny sipped her drink, she started to feel less muddled, and so she began to tell Bernie about trying to help Sheldon and Amy's relationship.

"Wait a minute, I don't understand." Bernadette cut in with her girlishly high-pitched voice. "Your plan was to cuddle on the couch with Sheldon in order to help improve his relationship with Amy? What, was the plan to try to make her jealous?"

Penny groaned in frustration. "No, he has to get used to casual touch so he can get to second base with Amy… and then third base, and then…" she trailed off, gesturing vaguely.

"So why didn't he just do all that with Amy?" Bernie asked.

"Well, he said he was afraid she would treat it—treat him-like an experiment. You know how she gets." Penny responded. "She freaks me out all the time, and I'm not even paranoid the way Sheldon is."

"Okaaay," Bernadette drawled, "So what am I missing here? What's the problem?"

So Penny shame-facedly told Bernadette about teasing Sheldon, and the tussle over the remote that was a little too much like flirting, and how she had accidentally pulled him in close against her, and how he had then stalked out of the apartment.

"Wow," Bernadette murmured as she heard the rest of the story. "You sure don't do things by halves, do you?"

"And now I don't know if he's mad at me, or embarrassed, or if he's ever going to speak to me again," Penny wailed.

Bernie mulled over the situation for a moment, pursing her lips thoughtfully. "Well, this _is_ Sheldon we're talking about here. Chances are that he didn't know himself what he was feeling. And what does Sheldon usually do when he has an emotional reaction to something?"

Penny wrinkled up her brow in concentration. " I guess either he starts an argument, or he pretends it never happened."

"Well, there you go," Bernadette said, tapping Penny's arm for emphasis. "Just pretend nothing weird happened, and he'll probably never bring it up again."

Penny frowned a little. Something didn't seem quite right about Bernie's conclusion, but she was still not quite sober, and so she couldn't put her finger on it. Instead, she hugged Bernadette and thanked her.

A/N: As you can see, I really don't think Amy is right for Sheldon but I am trying to write her character in an honest and not spiteful manner. My perception of Amy as she is on the show is that she really wants sex, admires Sheldon for his brains, but is contemptuous of all of his non-scientific hobbies. So she would be equally happy with another brainy guy, perhaps even more so, given Sheldon's fear of intimacy. But lacking any experience with relationships, she is reluctant to give up her idealized fantasy of Sheldon.


End file.
